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A little lost, but still here.

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For the past few weeks, i’ve felt this overwhelming need to write (or type) out all of my thoughts and emotions, in order to some how try and find the clarity within myself that i’m so desperately craving right now.

This year has been hard. I’m not going to lie. Really, really hard. If you didn’t know already, our daughter Olivia was born 7 weeks premature whilst we were away on a road trip with friends in January. We were roughly 800km’s away from home when sh*t hit the fan and i’ve never been so scared in my life.

Nothing has been the same since.

When I was pregnant, everyone said “the baby will change your life forever” – but my pre-baby self was naive, selfish and arrogant. They didn’t know me, who were they to tell me what it would and wouldn’t change?! 

Everything has changed.

Having a premature baby throws a massive spanner in the works for one. We thought we had more time up our sleeves, obviously. Heck, we didn’t even have a car seat or a pram yet (that drove my inner Miss OCD crazy).

The first few weeks of Olivia’s life were the hardest as she spent her first month of her life in 3 different hospitals before we could bring her home. Our ever so precious “motherly baby” bonding time that I dreamt about for months, was robbed off me by beeping monitors, cords, NG tubes and nurses who said “I’m sorry, but you have to put her back now”. She didn’t have the most picture perfect start to life and I guess that’s where all of this is stemming from, really.

To be honest, the last few months have been a lot of different things; some days are manageable, and I guess she’s sleeping much better than she used to; but there’s a big chunk of days where things have just been super hard. I’ve experienced the widest range of emotions that I ever have in such a short period of time; emotions that have come from places within me that I didn’t even know existed. It’s a huge mix of feeling smitten, overwhelming amounts of anger, extreme sadness, frustration, exhaustion and love.

Above all however, I think what’s pulling at my heart the strongest right now, is the sense of losing myself. This is a feeling I’m very unfamiliar with and it’s scaring the crap out of me. I’m certainly not one of those Mum’s who found herself completely re-born or rediscovered after the birth of their child. Kudos to you ladies though, you rock that Mum gig.

However, for me I’m still learning how to like this whole motherhood thing; because if i’m completely honest, I don’t exactly love it just yet. I sometimes feel as though a part of Roslyn was left behind somewhere in the operating theatre, when Olivia decided it was all happening then and there. It’s almost like I didn’t really have the time to say goodbye to the old Roslyn and welcome in the new one; I didn’t get to tell her what was about to happen; that the baby would change my life forever. The whole thing just hit me and knocked me right off my feet.

There have been days where I’ve found myself thinking:

“Have I made the right decision?”

“Is this what my life looks like now??”

“How did I get here, I never wanted to be this sort of Mum?!”

These thoughts have flooded over me in waves, coming just as quickly as they go; fading away back into the dark and deep. Then there’s the other part of me that feels guilty for feeling this way too. I am in no way ungrateful for this life and were incredibly lucky to have Olivia alive and healthy; but I can’t help but feel guilty for those thoughts?!

I’m trying to give myself faith and patience throughout this new Mum thing; attempting to remember that this season of my life won’t feel like this forever, that we’re all still learning (Olivia included) and I have to simply take each day as it comes and trust the process. This is just where i’m at right now and I’m so grateful for having Rey by my side and for the support network that we have around us; there is no way I could do this without you all.

I’ve decided that throughout this new motherhood gig of mine, my new goal, in attempt to gain some Roslyn-ness back, is to move though this somehow honestly in public with you all here; sharing what I feel needs to be shared and opening up my thoughts as I feel them. One thing that has really saved me the last few months has been talking with other Mum’s about the daily struggles and real life problems. It’s incredible how much better you can feel by simply being honest with each other and if this rambling post makes one person feel less alone, then cheers to you Mumma, we got this!

RC x

It’s okay to talk. You can email me, or send me a Facebook message if you want to chat. No judgement around here, I promise!

Do you want to know about Olivia’s grand, early entrance? Should I blog this too? What are your thoughts, i’d love to hear them!! I’m new to this, help me out 🙂

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  1. Jacky says:

    Hey Ros.
    Wow I loved reading your story 💜💚💙
    Brings back a lot of how I felt after Dean and Jase were born although either weren’t premy but I think because I was so young and naive of what to expect with the pregnancies and more so afterwards.
    If it wasn’t for my mum’s (RIP) help at that time I’m not sure what I would have done. Then a few years later when my mum past away i fell into darkness again.
    I knew there was only one option and that was to improve my oneself and learn to love me again and grow as a family but this took a number of years to feel better. It certainly took a lot of effort and time 🤗
    Over the years with the loss of a family member and various job losses I have felt that darkness creeping in again and made me question my self worth but with help and support from family and friends have managed to hold it at bay. It’s all about sharing your thoughts 🤔
    I truly believe what I experienced in those early days has certainly defined me and makes you a little stronger to deal with what’s ahead.
    I am blessed and grateful to have a wonderful husband, 2 extremely amazing boys whom I love and am very proud of. A beautiful daughter in law and 2 grandchildren who fill my heart with love and always make me smile and a close family network.
    Remember we are amazing parents who will always be there for our children and each other.
    Always here to lend an ear Ros
    Sending 💜💙💚 and best of wishes my beautiful friend xox

  2. Susan Ivill says:

    That was lovely Ros. You’ll get through this beautiful girl, friends, family and lots of support. My first born Son many years ago was 4 weeks preemie. 5 pounds 14 1/2 ounces. Teenie tiny, normal newborn diapers or clothes did not fit. Really tuff time, scarey definitely! He and his handsome brother have grown up to be successful young men! He is actually 6 ft 2 in tall and beautiful inside and out. I know you situation seems tuff now but like you said it is just a season. It will get better or you will just get better at it. You will be an amazing mother, just hang in there. I look back on the days I was raising my little boys now and honestly can say those were the best years of my life, I wish I had those days back. Hang in there gorgeous, you’re amazing. xo

  3. Hi Roslyn,
    Don’t ever be afraid of how you feel. We all go through so many feelings on the birth of a child. My boy, Rey knows Oscar and me, came into the world and nearly died on the way, taking me with him. I had had a great pregnancy and there was no hint that all would go wrong. Thank god I lived in the 20th (then) Century or both of us would have died. I spent two weeks in hospital as the caeserian wound got a staph infection and I had to have an operation as it was really aggressive. I spent the next two months with a hole in my abdomen that took 4+m of packing to fill it and a nurse changing dressings every day.
    It’s a tough gig being a Mum and still being you. The you who was there is still there and whether we like it or not part of us changes at the birth of a child. That doesn’t mean part of the old you still isn’t there, it is, but it takes quite a bit of adjusting to find yourself again.
    Where you are in life is a wonderful, magical and yet very frightening place but you have the love of a great guy, wonderful family and friends and, from what I can see, a great take on life.
    Just move forward day by day, don’t try to plan too much with a new bub, just go with the flow.
    There is no pressure to do anything, anyway. You find what works for you and Olivia and go with it, take a little bit from here and a little bit from there.
    BUT don’t miss out on the minute, the littlest things because when you look back they are the fabric of what makes being a Mum the best.
    Lots of hugs and good wishes from me.
    Maxine

    • Omg Maxine! That sounds so full on, you are both so very lucky to be here by the sounds of it. Our start wasn’t that rough but I totally get where you’re coming from xx please us know if you’re ever down this way, I’d love to meet you and for you to meet Olivia! xx ❤️

  4. […] followed me for a while, or you’ve read some of my personal blog posts in the past, (here and here and here) you’ll be familiar with my journey and fumbles with parenthood and post natal […]

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