For the past few weeks, i’ve felt this overwhelming need to write (or type) out all of my thoughts and emotions, in order to some how try and find the clarity within myself that i’m so desperately craving right now.
This year has been hard. I’m not going to lie. Really, really hard. If you didn’t know already, our daughter Olivia was born 7 weeks premature whilst we were away on a road trip with friends in January. We were roughly 800km’s away from home when sh*t hit the fan and i’ve never been so scared in my life.
Nothing has been the same since.
When I was pregnant, everyone said “the baby will change your life forever” – but my pre-baby self was naive, selfish and arrogant. They didn’t know me, who were they to tell me what it would and wouldn’t change?!
Everything has changed.
Having a premature baby throws a massive spanner in the works for one. We thought we had more time up our sleeves, obviously. Heck, we didn’t even have a car seat or a pram yet (that drove my inner Miss OCD crazy).
The first few weeks of Olivia’s life were the hardest as she spent her first month of her life in 3 different hospitals before we could bring her home. Our ever so precious “motherly baby” bonding time that I dreamt about for months, was robbed off me by beeping monitors, cords, NG tubes and nurses who said “I’m sorry, but you have to put her back now”. She didn’t have the most picture perfect start to life and I guess that’s where all of this is stemming from, really.
To be honest, the last few months have been a lot of different things; some days are manageable, and I guess she’s sleeping much better than she used to; but there’s a big chunk of days where things have just been super hard. I’ve experienced the widest range of emotions that I ever have in such a short period of time; emotions that have come from places within me that I didn’t even know existed. It’s a huge mix of feeling smitten, overwhelming amounts of anger, extreme sadness, frustration, exhaustion and love.
Above all however, I think what’s pulling at my heart the strongest right now, is the sense of losing myself. This is a feeling I’m very unfamiliar with and it’s scaring the crap out of me. I’m certainly not one of those Mum’s who found herself completely re-born or rediscovered after the birth of their child. Kudos to you ladies though, you rock that Mum gig.
However, for me I’m still learning how to like this whole motherhood thing; because if i’m completely honest, I don’t exactly love it just yet. I sometimes feel as though a part of Roslyn was left behind somewhere in the operating theatre, when Olivia decided it was all happening then and there. It’s almost like I didn’t really have the time to say goodbye to the old Roslyn and welcome in the new one; I didn’t get to tell her what was about to happen; that the baby would change my life forever. The whole thing just hit me and knocked me right off my feet.
There have been days where I’ve found myself thinking:
“Have I made the right decision?”
“Is this what my life looks like now??”
“How did I get here, I never wanted to be this sort of Mum?!”
These thoughts have flooded over me in waves, coming just as quickly as they go; fading away back into the dark and deep. Then there’s the other part of me that feels guilty for feeling this way too. I am in no way ungrateful for this life and were incredibly lucky to have Olivia alive and healthy; but I can’t help but feel guilty for those thoughts?!
I’m trying to give myself faith and patience throughout this new Mum thing; attempting to remember that this season of my life won’t feel like this forever, that we’re all still learning (Olivia included) and I have to simply take each day as it comes and trust the process. This is just where i’m at right now and I’m so grateful for having Rey by my side and for the support network that we have around us; there is no way I could do this without you all.
I’ve decided that throughout this new motherhood gig of mine, my new goal, in attempt to gain some Roslyn-ness back, is to move though this somehow honestly in public with you all here; sharing what I feel needs to be shared and opening up my thoughts as I feel them. One thing that has really saved me the last few months has been talking with other Mum’s about the daily struggles and real life problems. It’s incredible how much better you can feel by simply being honest with each other and if this rambling post makes one person feel less alone, then cheers to you Mumma, we got this!
It’s okay to talk. You can email me, or send me a Facebook message if you want to chat. No judgement around here, I promise!
Do you want to know about Olivia’s grand, early entrance? Should I blog this too? What are your thoughts, i’d love to hear them!! I’m new to this, help me out 🙂
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of country
I acknowledge the wiradjuri people as the custodians of the lands and waters of the region, on which I live and work. I pay respect to elders both past and present. I acknowledge and respect the wiradjuri people’s cultural, spiritual, physical and emotional connection with their land, waters and community.